British values

British Values

Con-demmed to teaching British values in school

In case you’re wond’ring what the fuck they are – here’s a rule

Of thumb to begin with, some British dos and don’ts

Some British loves and hates, some very British wills and won’ts


DO respect the sanctity of the banker’s bonus,

The MP’s pay-rise and property owners

DON’T give a second thought to nurses and teachers

Fire-fighters, bin men or benefit leeches

DO take an interest in all things George Clooney

– Aspire to celebrity, worry about Rooney

And DON’T think about the boards you’d like to have a seat on

Unless you go to Oxbridge or Benenden or Eton


We LOVE making armaments and selling them to despots,

Renditioning our suspects to get them to confess lots

We HATE east Europeans, unless they’re good at plumbing

(And we really think we ought to have the right to stop them coming)

We LOVE that we used to own a quarter of the planet

(such a shame we do no longer ‘cos we can’t afford to man it)

Let’s face it, what we really love is having lots of stuff

And we’ll never, fucking never ever ever have enough.


We WILL strain ev’ry sinew to remain competitive,

We WON’T give in to stress – we’ll just keep popping sedatives

We WILL interfere where and whenever we are able

Cos we WON’T have foreigners becoming too unstable

We WILL swear allegiance to our god and her majesty

Cos anything else is just a fucking travesty

And NOTHING has more value than knowing how to fight

Cos losing is for losers, and a loser’s never right


So there’s some British values – impart them where you can,

Unless you think they’re shit, in which case flush ‘em down the pan.